An empty nesters Christmas

[Joseph Bronson]

I thought that early Christmas mornings were for parents of small children. The kids get up super duper early and start bouncing on the bed to wake up their parents. They can't wait to dive into their stockings and see all the goodies that Santa has left.

having all of the children grown and gone means that I finally get to sleep in. At least that is what I thought. You know, the calm Christmas morning that all empty nesters get to look forward to. A warm fire. A hot cup of tea. Some lite Christmas music playing softly. A good book. Aaahhhhhhhhhh yes.

Nope, not for this empty nester. My wife had other plans. At 4:45 AM, that's right, I said 4:45 AM my alarm went off. My relaxing Christmas morning was already turning into a war zone.  We got up and hit the floor running.  I had horses, goats and chickens to feed and by the time I got back my beautiful wife already had boxes by the door to be loaded into the car.   You might think, this being Christmas, that the boxes were presents that we were delivering somewhere. NOPE!  These boxes and bags and all the other stuff were what we needed for a Christmas snow adventure.  We had roped our daughter Sophia, and her boyfriend, Lazarus, into going on a Christmas hike.   David Gardner's arm was twisted as well.  So there would be a total of five us brave souls to trek through the snowy wilderness on Christmas day.

 

Why, might you ask,was I not sitting in front of my fire with a good book and a cup of hot tea?  My wife has decided that I do not get enough fresh air and so she has decreed that every holiday will be an outdoor adventure.  Every adventure will have varying degrees of pain.  Since this adventure would be shared with others, luckily, the pain meter on this adventure would be turned down a couple of notches. Having someone other than just me along.  My wife decided that she was not wanting to put anyone, besides me, in danger of great harm or even a painful death.  She reserves those challenges for her and I alone.  

So, on Christmas morning, I took care of all the farm chores and loaded the car with everything we might need for a two week trip.  Yes, this is how we roll, even on a day trip.  We met Dave at the Kung Fu School and we were off.  

We hit snow about three quarters of the way up Mt. Hood.  This is where we had to put on tire chains. Now, being a manly man, it is very hard to admit that you don't do a manly thing (like putting on tire chains) well.  In fact, since I hardly ever have to put chains on, each time feels like I am re-learning the process again.  So, not more than two minutes go by as we are struggling at our task. Than a, portly, older fellow comes up to us and says "you fellas can pay me ten dollars to put on one side and show you how it is done right.  Then do the other side for yourself.  Or I can do both sides for fifteen dollars".  Our manhood had just been slapped in the face.  And I am sure that the only men that took him up on the offer had their wives/girlfriends standing right there tapping her foot wanting to get going. She says yes.  He pays the fifteen dollars and they are on their way.  Smarter, wiser perhaps, but the man feels that a part of his manhood has been taken away.  We were, by all means, going to keep our manhood intact.  Even if it meant almost getting frostbite before we were done.  

Tire chains on, check.  

Manhood intact, check.

Thirty minutes later we were on our way.  If my wife had been out of the car I probably would have been on the road in five minutes. Fifteen dollars poorer and manhood slightly dented. 

The rest of the day was pretty smooth.  The snowshoe hike was huge fun and we didn't even loose anyone in a snow drift.  The day was beautiful but cold.  Mount Hood glimpsed out from behind the clouds a time or two and showed off her beautiful, new shinning white coat of snow.

 

Being Christmas we thought we would be up  there with a few other brave souls willing to drive on a sheet of ice on Christmas day. WRONG!  With more snow than we have had on Christmas day in quite some time. I think every idiot that drives a low profile car with regular street tires and no chains to put on was up on the mountain on Christmas day.  Dave's  truck was almost hit in the parking lot by a  guy driving a BMW.  He did not have traction tires or devices and it took a friend of his with a tow strap to just get him out the parking lot.  

In the parking area for the trail head we could not see the highway.  We drank tea, but almost froze to death as we ate our dinner.  We had pulled out the propane stove and only a few singed hairs later we were eating a fantastic Christmas dinner.  Yes, I  complain every time about packing Sue's entire kitchen on every little trip.  But man do we eat good at the end of the day. Dinner over we packed up and headed out of the parking area only to drive right into a scene from a movie where all of the cars are snarled in a traffic jam trying to get away from some horrible death crashing in behind them.  There were three lanes of traffic heading west back towards Government Camp. I am not positive but I believe there is only one official lane and a center turning lane at that point of the highway.  But no body could see the lines because of the ice and snow.  So, I guess that gave everyone the thought that they should get to make  their own lane.  This was worse than LA rush hour because at least down there you can see the lines and no body is slipping on ice.  In the first half mile, once we had merged into lane number two, we saw at least 40 to 50 close calls.  Imminent death was all around us.  I don't care how tough you are at Kung Fu, When a two, three, four ton or more vehicle is sliding towards you, your life flashes before your eyes.   Luckily Dave has a little bit of LA driver in him.  I think that is the only thing that got us out of the parking lot and merged into all of that sliding crazy traffic.

Needless to say, we made it home safely.  But there is always next time.  I hope all of you had a warm and cuddly Christmas.  Next holiday, when you find yourself in front of the fire sipping a hot cup of ORGANIC COCOA.  Getting ready to read a good book you just got.  Please, think of me, because I won't be doing that at all.  What will I be doing?  Hopefully not loosing a limb or an eye or anything more important.

 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

New Year?  That means the next holiday is already here!!  My wife has not said a thing.  This could be scary.  I hope to see all of you after the first of the year.  Keep your fingers crossed and we will meet again.  

Yours In The Arts

Sifu Joseph Bronson